When I was about 8 or 9 yrs old...I got caught spanking the monkey, or stroking the lizard, or choking the chicken, or throttling the one eyed monster, jerking off, or the adult medical term of, masturbating…by my step mother Stephanie…it was freaking horrific…she stumbled in and screamed at me and then slammed the door to my room (guess she figured knocking wasn’t needed for a 8 or 9 yr old). This whole thing was weird enough for me considering I had just found that and kind of already thought I was a freak for doing it.
The whole incident than began to roll down hill quickly as she took her born and raised a repressed Catholic all her life views, and than preceded to make fun of me in front of the whole family, on numerous occasions (years actually). Pointing and staring and snickering like a 7 yr old school girl. Next thing you know, her parents (my step grandparents I guess) her cousins, my grandparents, my cousins, brothers, sisters aunts, uncles, all knew that I was caught doing something horribly wrong, and I could not have felt more uncomfortable with the whole thing. When she wasn’t making fun of me, and telling how wrong it was… she would try to get serious at times, and tell me that God does not approve of this type of behavior. I thought that this was odd because the only behavior I was having trouble with was hers.
A few years later…Stephanie and her wonderful church…decided that me and my brother who is a year younger than me would go through Catechism or Catholic CCD…which is an indoctrination into the rituals and dogma associated with the Catholic religion with the end result being I would get to take my first bite of the body and get to wash it down with my first bit of symbolic savior blood. Whoopee… once again…I was horrified.
I remember vividly… asking the Nun in the CCD class… why the Lord’s Prayer would ask the Lord, not to lead us into temptation …when I thought this Lord created us all with love and good intentions, and surely would not create us only to fuck with us... I thought at that young age… that this sounded like a crock of shit… I was then removed from the class and talked to vigorously by an elderly priest who also would not answer my question…but made it very clear that I was to stop asking stupid questions…I was never comfortable there, hell… the only part I understood was the sermon in the middle of the mass because the church we went to did all the masses in Latin…which needless to say... really sucked for me…and I guess all who were there…but I digress again…
A few months later... after some real good brain washing (had to memorize all the prayers forwards and backwards that I was going to have to say because I was apparently an evil little jerk off)…it was time to finalize this blood drinking and body eating event…but first…I had to go to my first confession…which was needless to say…another horrific event in my life…I think I was 11 or 12 at this time…anyway…
Father Marion, a 70 something yr old priest…was the exorcist, or should I say confessor…anyway…I said “ forgive me father , for I have sinned” and he replied “go on child”…I then proceeded to tell him how I was mean to my brother, lied to a teacher at school about homework, and was disrespectful to my step mother…this is all I could think of because… they really had not taught me what a sin was…so I just grasped for what I thought I was doing wrong…anyway…the priest than asked me if I was sure if that was it….I said “yes father”…he then said “are you sure you haven’t been touching yourself?” I was freaking horrified…this old man was asking me if I was jerking off…and the shit was that I did not even know it till years later when I came to the conclusion that he was just an old pervert…
After he asked me I said no, not really knowing what the hell he was talking about…and he said okay child…bla bla blah…say 100 - Hail Mary’s, and 47 - Lead us not into Temptations…and than that was it…So a few years later when I was a teenage know it all… I figured it out…it just dawned on me all at once that that old pervert was asking me if I was jerking off…So I formed an opinion about Father Marion…that I have recently changed…because you see at 42 yrs old…I started looking back at all this shit I’ve been burying inside my goofy head…and realized it wasn’t the priest….it was my fucking step mother who tipped off the priest that I was a little heathen jerk off…
So I guess the moral, or lesson to this actual piece of personal madness that should lessen the pain is… you can’t always judge a book by its cover...
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
NO MORE HOMELESS PETS...
So I was on my way to the College because I have been taking some fitness classes… because it’s basically a lot cheaper to go to that gym at the college… than to join one around the house….I do this because about three years ago…I realized that I had been trying to kill myself…or living like it for 30 years…drugs, alcohol, depression, delusions of grandeur… you name it… I was on a mission to become a stain somewhere…
anyway… I have since lost about 100lbs… and am stronger and in better condition I have ever been… which is kind of strange for a 42 yr old who has completely lost his mind… to be physically stronger than he has ever been…(kinda scary actually)
So I’m driving along yesterday just before sundown on the way to the gym… and was planning on walking on the outdoor fitness trail for 2 hrs (6 miles) during sunset… in the desert… and than going home… anyway… damn I am so easily distracted by thought lately that most of what comes out makes no sense… I’ll try harder…
Driving to the gym at sunset... and... I noticed a van in front of me with all kinds of save the animals bumper stickers… in all different guises...one in particular stuck out to me… it said… "NO MORE HOMELESS PETS"… and though I have lost my mind recently... I am still fully capable of being a Jackass..And I thought to myself… (probably out loud, cause talking to myself makes sense lately)… self… I bet that these homeless pets… would be absolutely delicious if prepared properly…and with the right oil and spices and other bits…would probably taste like some form of fried chicken or other….and then my other self… chimed in and chastised the insensitive jackass in me saying… who are you to make fun of these people’s concerns for their fellow animals… I mean… what’s wrong with feeling sorry for homeless pets… who are living on the streets… eating out a filthy garbage cans… at least they are cuddly and cute… not like those filthy homeless people…living on the streets…eating out of garbage cans… at least the homeless pets…have some redeeming qualities to these people in the van… you know… soft n furry(sometimes)… big ole sad eyes… not like these people who are ugly, hideous… and just plain stark reminders of the failures of themselves and their fellow man…the homeless pets are just way more comfortable… so… I say to you… or the no one that reads the crap that I type for reasons known only to the madness I have spiraled into…
NO MORE HOMELESS PETS…
anyway… I have since lost about 100lbs… and am stronger and in better condition I have ever been… which is kind of strange for a 42 yr old who has completely lost his mind… to be physically stronger than he has ever been…(kinda scary actually)
So I’m driving along yesterday just before sundown on the way to the gym… and was planning on walking on the outdoor fitness trail for 2 hrs (6 miles) during sunset… in the desert… and than going home… anyway… damn I am so easily distracted by thought lately that most of what comes out makes no sense… I’ll try harder…
Driving to the gym at sunset... and... I noticed a van in front of me with all kinds of save the animals bumper stickers… in all different guises...one in particular stuck out to me… it said… "NO MORE HOMELESS PETS"… and though I have lost my mind recently... I am still fully capable of being a Jackass..And I thought to myself… (probably out loud, cause talking to myself makes sense lately)… self… I bet that these homeless pets… would be absolutely delicious if prepared properly…and with the right oil and spices and other bits…would probably taste like some form of fried chicken or other….and then my other self… chimed in and chastised the insensitive jackass in me saying… who are you to make fun of these people’s concerns for their fellow animals… I mean… what’s wrong with feeling sorry for homeless pets… who are living on the streets… eating out a filthy garbage cans… at least they are cuddly and cute… not like those filthy homeless people…living on the streets…eating out of garbage cans… at least the homeless pets…have some redeeming qualities to these people in the van… you know… soft n furry(sometimes)… big ole sad eyes… not like these people who are ugly, hideous… and just plain stark reminders of the failures of themselves and their fellow man…the homeless pets are just way more comfortable… so… I say to you… or the no one that reads the crap that I type for reasons known only to the madness I have spiraled into…
NO MORE HOMELESS PETS…
simple answers...
Suffering?...because we are suppossed to help them...
Why are we here?...to live and learn(evolve), and grow in love...
Why are we here?...to live and learn(evolve), and grow in love...
Sunday, November 8, 2009
what if...
what if...
what if...we lived in a world where a cross was a bloody roman torture device that really symbolized the defeat of a truth that has been kept from you?
what if...we lived in a world where we were all born of a virgin...during some cosmic singularity of Love from way back when to every last increment of time and beyond...
what if...we lived in a world where we were not mistakes just waiting in line to jump in the furnace...
what if...we lived in a world where an insane man could make a difference by simply allowing her to take the wheel...
what if...we lived in a world where we were all one in some way...and we all knew this, and managed to not kill each other because of it...
what if...we lived in a world where we could not blame all of our misgivings on devils and demons, and than symbolically destroy our misgivings by placing them on another and than killing him...cause He died for us...
what if...we lived in a world where we were our own saviors...through our actions and what we did with our love...
What if...we lived in a world where gay people were not mistakes or abominations...but rather loved by their creator for who they are...and the only abominations were those that would willfully and intentionaly teach different in order to sow the seeds of division...
What if...
what if...we lived in a world where a cross was a bloody roman torture device that really symbolized the defeat of a truth that has been kept from you?
what if...we lived in a world where we were all born of a virgin...during some cosmic singularity of Love from way back when to every last increment of time and beyond...
what if...we lived in a world where we were not mistakes just waiting in line to jump in the furnace...
what if...we lived in a world where an insane man could make a difference by simply allowing her to take the wheel...
what if...we lived in a world where we were all one in some way...and we all knew this, and managed to not kill each other because of it...
what if...we lived in a world where we could not blame all of our misgivings on devils and demons, and than symbolically destroy our misgivings by placing them on another and than killing him...cause He died for us...
what if...we lived in a world where we were our own saviors...through our actions and what we did with our love...
What if...we lived in a world where gay people were not mistakes or abominations...but rather loved by their creator for who they are...and the only abominations were those that would willfully and intentionaly teach different in order to sow the seeds of division...
What if...
bicycle people...
bicycle people...
I wrote this (song, maybe I'll post it up sum day, but probably not because there are two idiots in my head that just won't shut up)back in the early 90's...maybe 92 or 93...anyway...it was back when allot of my friends had developed drug dependencies...specially with coke...cause here on the border with Mexico and Arizona...it was and still is plentiful...
than some how crystal meth was introduced into their worlds and at first...allot of them thought that this was their drug savior...finally something they could do instead of coke...and it had the added perceived benefit of helping you get things done...cause with all the extra energy...something good has gotta happen right?
within the next year I watched this drug eat alive about ten of my friends, and two family members...they lost houses, spouses, jobs, sanity, love...everything...and they all curiously ended up on the streets living wherever and getting around on stolen bicycles...stealing, cheating,from family even... doing whatever they could to get money so they could get their fix...and than stay up for 3to 5 days at a time being chased by shadow people...and whatever else they had going on at the time...
It was like watching a beautiful train wreck...it was devastating...
Bicycle People
Bicycle people, spin around in circles
dumpster diving in the middle of town
they carve themselves out a niche in this world
liberating freedom, where their freedom can be found
Its all the same to me, whatever will be is gonna be,
I really don't give much of a damn about it
all the same to me, you live your lives artificially
cause you don't need sleep when your on a mission
Shadow people, lurping around in the bushes
just dieing to turn them in
because they'll turn on a dime
always on the run, always in danger of something
playing hide n seek with the shadow people in their minds
Bicycle man, wanna be hustler
dreams of fat parking lots on the finer side of town
just like fruit on the vine, ripe for the picking
say he's gonna change the world one stereo at a time
Its all the same to me, let them see what they want to see
no one cares to do anything about it
its all the same to me, long as I know they are not out to get me
I sleep well knowing all about it
Bicycle people, spin around in circles
fuck like rabbits till the brink of dawn
share n share alike , if it feels good it can't hurt them
as long as the shadow people don't have um on the run
Labels: bicycle people...mR LOoPy...
I wrote this (song, maybe I'll post it up sum day, but probably not because there are two idiots in my head that just won't shut up)back in the early 90's...maybe 92 or 93...anyway...it was back when allot of my friends had developed drug dependencies...specially with coke...cause here on the border with Mexico and Arizona...it was and still is plentiful...
than some how crystal meth was introduced into their worlds and at first...allot of them thought that this was their drug savior...finally something they could do instead of coke...and it had the added perceived benefit of helping you get things done...cause with all the extra energy...something good has gotta happen right?
within the next year I watched this drug eat alive about ten of my friends, and two family members...they lost houses, spouses, jobs, sanity, love...everything...and they all curiously ended up on the streets living wherever and getting around on stolen bicycles...stealing, cheating,from family even... doing whatever they could to get money so they could get their fix...and than stay up for 3to 5 days at a time being chased by shadow people...and whatever else they had going on at the time...
It was like watching a beautiful train wreck...it was devastating...
Bicycle People
Bicycle people, spin around in circles
dumpster diving in the middle of town
they carve themselves out a niche in this world
liberating freedom, where their freedom can be found
Its all the same to me, whatever will be is gonna be,
I really don't give much of a damn about it
all the same to me, you live your lives artificially
cause you don't need sleep when your on a mission
Shadow people, lurping around in the bushes
just dieing to turn them in
because they'll turn on a dime
always on the run, always in danger of something
playing hide n seek with the shadow people in their minds
Bicycle man, wanna be hustler
dreams of fat parking lots on the finer side of town
just like fruit on the vine, ripe for the picking
say he's gonna change the world one stereo at a time
Its all the same to me, let them see what they want to see
no one cares to do anything about it
its all the same to me, long as I know they are not out to get me
I sleep well knowing all about it
Bicycle people, spin around in circles
fuck like rabbits till the brink of dawn
share n share alike , if it feels good it can't hurt them
as long as the shadow people don't have um on the run
Labels: bicycle people...mR LOoPy...
the Grey Mandolin
..the grey mandolin..
not sure why I chose this piece I wrote back when I had just met my father @ 25 yrs old...or the goo donator... I liked ta call um...but I guess there has to be a first to everything...unless I am wrong about that too...
this came to me in the moonlight...on a porch in South Carolina...where I had retreated from the reality of the madness I found myself in...and like a lot of my ramblings, songs, thoughts...it just seemed to come from outta nowhere to the somewhere I found myself at the time...like I was used by another...anyway...he gave me a mandolin...because I had told him I was into music...& I wrote this immediately after...on a brand new instrument...that for some reason was familiar to me...
Seemingly...through the night, he came to chastise them...
Sneaking up from behind...the devil embraced his soul...
She was so fine, he never wanted to let go...
reeking havoc on his mind...laying waste to his soul...
Somebody's got to pay...it might as well be you...I know it happened that way...cause I saw the truth...written on the wall...
In spite of the madness... she refused to take the fall
During the hour of gladness...She took a stand against them all
But she had no choice... It was destined from the start
Than down came the voice...Tearing his world apart
Somebody's got to pay...it might as well be you...I know it happened that way...cause I saw the truth...written on the wall...
Like a thief in the night...time had taken its toll...
No divine Intervention...they never want to let go...
But, they have no choice...It was destined from the start...
Down came her voice, Tearing their world apart….
not sure why I chose this piece I wrote back when I had just met my father @ 25 yrs old...or the goo donator... I liked ta call um...but I guess there has to be a first to everything...unless I am wrong about that too...
this came to me in the moonlight...on a porch in South Carolina...where I had retreated from the reality of the madness I found myself in...and like a lot of my ramblings, songs, thoughts...it just seemed to come from outta nowhere to the somewhere I found myself at the time...like I was used by another...anyway...he gave me a mandolin...because I had told him I was into music...& I wrote this immediately after...on a brand new instrument...that for some reason was familiar to me...
Seemingly...through the night, he came to chastise them...
Sneaking up from behind...the devil embraced his soul...
She was so fine, he never wanted to let go...
reeking havoc on his mind...laying waste to his soul...
Somebody's got to pay...it might as well be you...I know it happened that way...cause I saw the truth...written on the wall...
In spite of the madness... she refused to take the fall
During the hour of gladness...She took a stand against them all
But she had no choice... It was destined from the start
Than down came the voice...Tearing his world apart
Somebody's got to pay...it might as well be you...I know it happened that way...cause I saw the truth...written on the wall...
Like a thief in the night...time had taken its toll...
No divine Intervention...they never want to let go...
But, they have no choice...It was destined from the start...
Down came her voice, Tearing their world apart….
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
